Here is a somewhat silly, slightly satricial column, exploring the ins and outs of the worlds most beloved furniture giant: Ikea
By Alexander Marks McLeod
Picture this. You’re standing in the middle of an Ikea showroom, surrounded by a sea of furniture and home décor. You’re lost, confused, and starting to feel like you’re trapped in a Swedish maze. But fear not, my fellow men. As a veteran of countless visits to the Scandinavian store, I’m here to share my top tips for surviving the ultimate test of masculinity: a trip to Ikea.
First and foremost, make sure you have a game plan. Going into an Ikea without a plan is like going to battle without a strategy. You’ll be overwhelmed, outnumbered, and most likely defeated. Know what you’re getting and don’t let your partner try to add extra items to the list – this is a trip for necessities only.
Now, let’s talk about the furniture itself. As a man, it’s important to remember that furniture is not just furniture. It’s a reflection of our masculinity. This means that you should always opt for the biggest, most imposing piece of furniture available. Sure, that tiny coffee table might fit your space perfectly, but it won’t impress your buddies. Go big or go home.
You also can’t even think about leaving without grabbing some Swedish meatballs from the cafeteria. These little balls of meat are the ultimate test of manliness. Can you handle the spice? Can you eat them without spilling gravy all over your shirt? These are the questions that separate the men from the boys.
Now, as you enter the store, you’ll see a map. Don’t bother looking at it. It’s as useful as a screen door on a submarine. It’ll lure you into a false sense of security and before you know it, you’re lost in a sea of Billy bookcases, panicking like a Swedish chef without his meatballs. Follow the arrows. Seriously. Don’t try and outsmart the arrows. Don’t take shortcuts. If you try to deviate from the path, you will get lost. I’ve seen it happen. It’s not pretty.
If you’re lucky enough to escape the clutches of the bookcases, don’t let your guard down yet. Next up, crowds. They’ll be everywhere, shuffling through the aisles like zombies in search of the perfect throw pillow. Keep your wits about you and use your elbows if necessary.
Oh, and if you have kids, leave them at home. Ikea is designed to confuse and disorient even the most experienced adult. Now, imagine trying to navigate this labyrinth with a pack of sugar-hyped kids who are on a mission to touch every single piece of furniture in sight. It’s like trying to herd cats through laser beams. I once went to Ikea with my brother and left an only child.
Elliott, if you’re still alive, we miss you very much, and we hope you are living a fulfilled life in one of the showrooms.
You wouldn’t take your kids to war, so why would you take them to Ikea?
Finally, it’s important to remember that Ikea is not just a store – it’s a lifestyle. Once you’ve made it through the maze and assembled your furniture, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment like no other. You’ll start to look at everything in your home through Ikea-tinted glasses. That plant? It would look great in a RÅGRUND plant stand. That lamp? It would pair perfectly with a new STRANDMON wing chair.
So, there you have it, my guide to surviving a trip to Ikea. With these tips, you’ll be able to navigate the Swedish maze like a pro and emerge victorious with a trolly full of manly furniture and a belly full of meatballs. Of course, my number one tip would be don’t go to Ikea in the first place. Your sanity (and wallet) will thank you. Save yourself the trouble and stick to a nice, quiet day at home.
Trust me, it’s worth it.
Comments